Book Review: "Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture" by Virginia Sole-Smith
Let me explain my mixed perspectives on this book...
Let’s talk about Fat Talk: Parenting in the Age of Diet Culture by Virginia Sole-Smith. Despite the fact that I don’t agree with every single thing in the book, I still recommend every parent or caregiver read/listen to this book, especially if you have trouble with body image / beliefs yourself. This book really highlighted that all bodies are valuable and deserve care and support, and that much of the time we, as a society, fall short on this idea.
I’ve been waiting for this book from the library for a while now. Which I guess is a good thing, assuming that meant other caregivers in my area are also listening to it. The book is also not short… it’s 384 pages/11 hours long and packed full of information and studies.
I learned A LOT from this book including how to talk to teachers and coaches about body image and weight while working with our kids, the incidences of eating disorders in people of all sizes and how those in larger bodies sometimes go undiagnosed due to their size, how fat people would like to be described, thin privilege, and things that adults say that influence our kids perspectives on weight without us even realizing it.
The book opens with a story about the author’s daughters, one of whom is named Beatrix, which caused the story to impact me even more as that’s my daughter’s name, too! Anyway, the author’s mom was visiting with the daughters and commented on how long and lean the older daughter’s legs were, and how she’d be a great dancer. Beatrix, the younger, shorter, thicker daughter then asked, “What about my legs?” And her grandmother didn’t really have an answer.
Now, we can all acknowledge that the grandmother likely wasn’t trying to cause any harm or negatively impact either daughter, but she may have subconsciously made the girls think about being thin and lean as GOOD and being fatter or heavier as BAD. Adults also make comments about their own bodies and food choices (wanting to lose weight, celebrating weight loss, eating so clean, etc) which kids hear and make associations with their own body’s “goodness” and “badness.” This made me cringe because I felt for the little girls, could absolutely see how comments like this could impact both of them negatively, and also realized that this IS how we make people feel. And, societally speaking, we do this A LOT.
I do realize that over the years there has been more body size representation on tv and in ads, and this is a good thing as it allows us to have conversations with our families. The book suggests we have open conversations with our kids about different body sizes… “Isn’t it cool how bodies come in all shapes and sizes??” and allow the word “fat” becomes a descriptor like hair color. In doing so we remove the stigma around the word. Similarly, we can say things like “person with obesity” as opposed to obese person, just like how you would say person with cancer or person with autism. This makes it a descriptor, not an identity. We can admit what we used to think, and what we are all learning to best help people and our kids. Just because a certain experience were ones we had with sports/body image/in school/growing up, doesn’t mean it needs to be the same for the next generation.
I found suggestions like these super helpful because we need all people to be see as humans and not less than because of their weight. Fatness is very much connected to racism, fat phobia, restrictions in women’s rights, trans rights, and other marginalized groups.
As an example, the book talked about how heavier individuals sometimes avoid going to the doctors because of how they are treated there. They don’t want to hear more about how they need to lose weight or negatives about their body size. This causes issues to be missed and left untreated, leading to a higher incidence of illness than if they attended the doctor regularly. This further increases the stress and shame for these individuals.
Speaking of doctors… Parents: Did you know that you can ask for your child not to be weighed at the doctors? Or at least not to have their weight discussed with them in the room? According to the book, most studies show that when pediatricians bring up weights with kids it leads to worse mental health and relationships with food. I’ve written about how negatively I feel about the flawed BMI scale, and that’s also discussed at length in other posts.
Many of the points listed above had me nodding my head along in agreement while reading. Yeah! We’ve gotta change the system! The stigma that a kids’ weights reflects on parents is why parents make decisions they think are helping kids that really aren’t! Locking up the cookies in a safe in your house isn’t helping anyone! Sugar addition isn’t a real thing… we’re not out here jonesing for scoops of white sugar right from the bag! Social media does exacerbate body dysmorphia! Trust our bodies! Take up all the space we need! Yeah!
Seriously, so much of this book was great! And then there were some aspects of it that were tricky for me. Maybe this is some of my own issues with fatness coming to the surface, I don’t know. I admit that I’m still learning. Here are some areas where I found myself disagreeing or questioning:
According to the book, eating with the goal of losing weight is not recommended and rarely helps people. But then is it okay to eat with a goal of adding muscle or getting stronger? How do we reconcile making food choices to impact our bodies in a non-weight-loss way? Where’s the line between what’s okay and what’s not?
In my work I try to help people reach their goals and feel good and confident in their bodies. Sometimes this includes losing weight. I’m still okay with this even after reading the book, but it really made me question my own goodness for doing so!
The “eat whatever you want” mentality was troublesome. The author didn’t necessarily come out and say this is how people should eat, but she did say that we should not necessarily strive for balance, or certain amounts of protein, or “make” our kids or ourselves eat fruits and veggies. This was troubling to me because I do believe in balance and getting appropriate macro- and micronutrients for the sake of our health and keeping our body functioning on a high level. I will also continue to serve balanced plates to my family, and they can choose to eat how much of it they need.
To this point, I do believe some level of health and longevity is tied to what we eat and our abilities to move. I know we might eat all the healthy foods possible and still might get some disease. I know we still have a certain skeletal composition and that we can’t literally mold our bodies into whatever we want them to look like. And, at the same time, we also know that bodies live longer and are able to do more with greater muscle mass, and we can’t get that muscle mass without eating some protein and doing some workouts. I totally acknowledge that just because someone is heavier doesn’t mean they can’t be athletic or have muscle mass… that’s not true. But, there’s a point at which increasingly heavier body weights makes moving or doing cardiometabolic work harder, and that can’t be great for health.
The author also talked poorly about a lot of the kid-focused-eating accounts I really like and follow on Instagram! She said they look too perfect with their small dessert portions and multi-color plates. On the one hand, accounts like this can make parents feel like they’re not good enough if their kids plates aren’t “rainbowed”, but I also imagine they’re helpful in finding a happy medium for what we feed our kids.
In regards to movement and exercise… I agree we shouldn’t force our kids to do activities they don’t like just for the sake of movement or burning calories. However, I do believe that movement and working out is helpful, healthy, and mentally supportive. Here, too, I imagine finding a happy medium for ourselves and our kids is important… Ideally we’ll find fitness we enjoy doing for the sake of our heart health, building strength, and seeing what our bodies are capable of. It’s okay with me to remove the weight loss focus from it.
Oh gosh, that was a lot. But this book got me pretty fired up! Fat Talk is a call to reshape our societal attitudes towards body weight and it made me check myself and my beliefs a few times! The book encourages readers to embrace diversity, challenge stereotypes, and foster a positive and inclusive environment for all. Virginia Sole-Smith's book is a timely and essential contribution to the ongoing conversation about body image, urging us to rethink our beliefs and promote a healthier relationship with ourselves and others.
All in all, I’d recommend reading it AND taking from it what you’re ready for and what is helpful to you and your situation. I do not imagine it’s possible for us all to suddenly erase our lived experiences and start from scratch with all of this. But we can learn over time and do better. And, as stated above, I do think there’s a health focus that is missed in the book.
Has anyone out there read this book? What do you think? Am I way off in my comments? Do you agree? Please let me know in the comments or send me an email at sara@nutritionforlifeproject.com!
If you know of another parent or caregiver who should read this book, please share this post with them!
As always,
Thanks for reading,
Sara
What a thoughtful book review! I've followed Virginia's writing for a long time but haven't read this book yet. Now I want to! It's such a challenging topic, and I think you did a great job explaining what you agree with and what you questioned from the book. I cringe anytime I hear older family members make weight-related comments in front of my 7-year-old niece because I know those types of comments certainly affected my own body image when I was growing up.